Sparrow's Reality

I guess I'll explain the whole deal with Squirrel.
*Sigh* I really don't want to write about it, or even think about it for that matter... I read the whole day to keep my thoughts off of him... but I can't hide from the truth forever, I know that. So I'm facing the truth. I will tell you.

I'll tell you about the dance. In the beginning it was okay. But then my two friends broke up. (They had been dating for like two years.) Kristen (My friend who got dumped) was really upset. I hated to see her like that. Crying, I cried too. And even after she felt better, I still felt like crap. I didn't feel like dancing, or having fun. At one point I even broke down crying at a table. No one knew though. For the most part, I sat in the corner, watching people having fun, worry-free. Every once in a while, someone would come over and beg me to dance, but I refused. Then I saw Squirrel. He seemed somewhat lonely too. So I hung out with him, talking. The evening changed from terrible to beautiful. And how it kills me to say this, but that night, I treasured in my heart that there was a chance that he might love me too. That night I saw a shooting star. I wished. I went against my own rule. I wished he would ask me out. I knew it was a mistake to wish such a thing, but I did. Now regret burns in my heart.

The dance was on Thursday, Friday I hardly saw him, but Saturday, oh dear Saturday…
Saturday we went to Busch Gardens. I had this plan where one of my friends would blurt out I liked him and I would see how he reacted. I mean, he already knew right? So when we bumped into him there, my friend went along with the plan and said as was told. I reacted with a fake “Oh my god!” and buried my face in my hands as if in embarrassment. But my friend didn’t get my fake reaction. “What,” she replied, “Isn’t that what you wanted me to say?” And Squirrel heard that too. I didn’t see him the rest of the time. But I got his number from my friend and I called him on the bus. This is how the conversation went:

Me: *calls*
Squirrel: *answers* Hello?
Me: Hi, it’s Claire…
Squirrel: Oh, hey Claire!
Me: Uh, I got your number from Kristina because I wanted to talk to you…
Squirrel: Okay…
Me: Uhm, remember earlier today, what my friend said?
Squirrel: Yeah?
Me: Uh, sorry about that, like if it embarrassed you or something…
Squirrel: No, it’s okay.
Me: But you should know, it was true…
Squirrel: Okay…
Me: Uh, this is like, an awkward conversation.
Squirrel: Yeah, a little bit…
Me: Yeah…
Squirrel: So, we are watching Kung Fu Panda on the bus.
Me: What? Sorry, it’s hard to hear.
Squirrel: We are watching Kung Fu Panda.
Me: Whaddawhaddawhadda?
Squirrel: WE ARE WATCHIING KUNG FU PANDA!
Me: Oh! Right! Sorry! We’re watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua…
Squirrel: I hated that movie.
Me: Really?
Squirrel: Yeah, but this one’s not that bad.
Me: I didn’t like Kung Fu Panda very much.
Squirrel: What?
Me: Nevermind.
Squirrel: Okay.
Me: Well, I guess I’ll talk to you later.
Squirrel: Okay, yeah.

And that was it. Squirrel doesn’t like me. No one likes me. No one has ever liked me. No one will ever like me.

~Sparrow